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Non-marital cohabitation is a social trend that leads to a number of problems
for the cohabiting individuals, for children involved in the cohabiting
relationship, and for society. We can help stem the tide. First, we can realize
that the tide can be stemmed! Many social commentators, scholars, and
policymakers seem to assume that cohabitation is only going to increase, so our
sole option is to reduce the damage rather than stop the trend. This is simply
not true. Look at what has happened with the tobacco issue over the last decade
or so and you can see that, with enough evidence and concerted effort, damaging
social trends can be slowed down and even reversed. Here are some of the
specific things we can do to slow down and reverse the damaging trend of
cohabitation:
 For
young adults:
1. Don't
cohabit. It is that simple. Just don't do it. You save yourself, your
partner, your family, your present or future children, and your society a lot of
heartache and misery.
2. Get
the message out to your peer group. The research shows that most young
people believe cohabitation is a good choice, a good way to prepare for marriage
or avoid the trauma of divorce. Help your peers understand that research does
not support those assumptions. Help them see what the dangers are.
For parents:
1. Be
part of a happy, long-term, stable marriage. The best way to help your
children avoid cohabitation is to let them see their parents in a happy, stable
marriage. If your marriage isn't what you want it to be, get help. But don't
just jump out of your marriage-find a way to make it better, for your own sake
as well as theirs.
2. Teach
your children the facts about cohabitation vs. marriage. Teach them early
about the value of good marriages and the pitfalls of non-marital
cohabitation.
3. Become
involved in the movement to strengthen marriage in your community. Many
churches, community groups, and grass-roots organizations are working hard to
help couples strengthen their marriages. Get involved, get trained to become a
workshop leader, or help in any way you can. Let your children see how important
this issue is to you.
For community, political, and church leaders:
1. Lead out in supporting the family. Publicly recognize
the advantage of marriage for strong families, healthy children, and sound
communities.
2. Make resources
(money, time, space, etc.) available. Help your community to become
"marriage-friendly" by supporting marriage-strengthening organizations in your
communities, your churches, and among your constituents.
For marriage- and family-serving professionals:
1. Share the research about cohabitation with
your clients/students. Help married couples understand that the needs of
their children may need to take precedence over the desires of one individual.
Assist them in understanding that such sacrifice can help not only the child,
but also benefit them as individuals in the long run.
2. Teach principles of wise spouse
selection. Help unmarried couples or single individuals understand the
benefits of high-quality marriages for themselves, their posterity, and their
communities. Help them understand the short- and long-term importance of the
choice of a mate.
-Thomas B. Holman, Ph.D., is a Professor of Marriage, Family, and Human
Development at Brigham Young University
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