by Brad Wilcox
Early in their marriage, James learned that his new wife habitually read in
bed before going to sleep. Occasionally, he would come into the bedroom and find
Liz asleep with a book in her hands. He would carefully put the book on the
nightstand, gently take off her glasses, and turn off the light-until the night
she looked up, apparently wide awake, and said, "I wanted to finish that book,
but I just kept falling apart."
Now, more than 20 years later, "falling apart" is still used as a substitute
for "falling asleep" in James and Liz's family. This otherwise-articulate family
derives a lot of humor from wordplay. The right twist on the English language,
dropped into a moment of tension, can invite parents and children to crack up
with laughter and be ready to resolve problems.
Just as humor can help ease tensions, it can improve a person's medical
condition. Positive humor (not sarcasm or put-downs) has positive influences on
us socially, emotionally, and intellectually.1
No wonder author J. Morreall claims that humor is valuable in all areas of
life.2
Families can use humor to gain perspective, strengthen relationships, and cope
with struggles. By noticing and collecting humor at home, families demonstrate a
sense of humor and enhance family life.
Foundations of Family Humor
Humor in the family isn't funny unless everyone is laughing. Mutual respect,
love, and trust allow family members to share and create humor. Humor perceived
as controlling ("Keep laughing and you'll be laughing all the way to your room
instead of going to play with your friends!") or sarcastic ("Come on, let's help
Rob review his spelling words- T-E-E-C-H-E-R; isn't that how you spelled it on
the test, Rob?") can hurt relationships and create an atmosphere of
defensiveness instead of closeness. Family members then may not trust the others
to be gentle and to protect each other from harshness or unkindness. Moreover,
parents who can't laugh at their own faults and are angry when their children
notice parental imperfections may convince children that adulthood is humorless
and grim and that parents and other authority figures have lost the ability to
be compassionate.
Family members usually know each other's weakness and fears. When mutual
respect is present, they don't treat those fears lightly or make a joke about
another's weakness. The love in a family is diminished by "humor" that makes
another want to withdraw from the family. Appropriate humor unifies the family
with warmth, laughter, and a desire to be together.
Humor Can Improve Our Perspective
We can't always choose what we look at, but we can choose what we see-our
perspective on the situation. Katie, 3, and Brian, 2, were at home with Dad
while Mom worked. Dad noticed that they were playing "go to church," which
apparently made it necessary for Katie to wobble in Mom's high heels and Brian
to shuffle along in Dad's gigantic shoes. Later, Dad noticed that both children
had on Mom's shoes. "What are you playing now?" he asked. "Go to work," Katie
replied. Rather than being upset because he wasn't employed right then and his
children thought working was just for "moms," Dad laughed and enjoyed telling
Mom the story when she got home. Seeing the humor of the situation helped him
keep a good perspective and made a family memory they enjoy laughing about
together. In another family, a little boy asked his mother to help him find his
coat. Mom said, "It's right over there, on the hook." "No, that's not mine," her
son replied. Mom then joined the boy in looking around the house and yard.
Finally, they returned to the coat hooks and Mom asked, "Are you sure this isn't
your coat?" "I'm sure," the boy said. "Mine had snow on it!" These examples of
the value of humor in improving our perspective lead to the conclusion that
"Healthy humor used in avariety of ways can enhance the quality of the time we
spend in our families together."
3 Humor can reduce stress, help in times of family crisis, strengthen
commitment, appreciation, affection, and relaxation, and even reduce
quarreling.4
Humor Can Strengthen Relationships
Just as politicians and other public speakers often introduce a serious talk
with humor (many people remember President Kennedy's statement that he was the
man "who accompanied Jacqueline Kennedy to Paris" because she had attracted the
most attention), we can use humor to introduce serious discussions between
parents and children. One mother reminds her children of etiquette slip-ups by
saying, "Miss Mannersª called to remind you to introduce your friends to your
parents when they come over." Or she affects a Southern accent to remind a
daughter, "Honeychile, a lady nevah entertains a gentleman in her bedroom."
A touch of humor now and again can allow us to communicate while maintaining
a positive tone in our relationships. The key is to make sure everyone is
laughing. Any sarcasm or veiled criticism or putdowns -the unfortunate staples
of "humor" on so many TV sit-coms- can cause lasting wounds. Comments such as,
"Nice suit- NOT!" "Is your face always so broken out? You look like you have
chicken pox," or "Rhonda will eat it-she's obviously never missed a meal" will
be long remembered, and not fondly. Teasing between siblings can quickly get out
of hand, because we all know how others in the family are vulnerable. Family
members (including parents) who tell embarrassing stories at the expense of
other family members need to remember that some stories are not theirs to tell.
If family members begin to accuse each other of lacking a sense of humor or have
to explain that they were "just kidding," chances are that constructive use of
humor has fallen by the way.
Couples must be careful of the trap of contempt. Sarcasm, which often seems
like witty wordplay, is a form of contempt that can lead to deterioration of the
family. Other forms of contempt (name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery,
and hostile humor) are equally destructive. Whether between husband and wife,
parent and child, or siblings, contempt undermines relationships and sometimes
is disguised as humor. As marriage scholar John Gottman wrote, "contempt . . .
is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It's . . . impossible
to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you're disgusted
with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to
reconciliation."5
 Humor, when it is an expression of kindness and not contempt, makes
communication easier.6
It can also get a point across with love instead of being preachy or
overbearing. One couple was worried that their son was getting home past curfew.
After calmly reviewing with him the reasons for a curfew and being sure he knew
of their love, the parents and son agreed that he needed an incentive to arrive
home on time. Before his next date, the son found a clock and a note in the
entry. The note read: "I am your new best friend. I love you and get worried
when you're out late, so I'm set for your curfew time. Please come home in time
to turn off my alarm before I wake everyone up! P.S. And no fair turning me off
and leaving again. Your conscience is your good friend, too."
Humor Can Help Us Cope
Susan and Joe had been vacationing in Mexico with their six young children.
Joe's work required him to return home a few days early and Susan, seven months
pregnant, found herself shepherding her brood through customs and having to deal
with mounting distractions and demands. "There I was," she recalls, "out of
money and out of diapers. I was trying to keep track of the luggage and the
children. I was so pregnant I could hardly walk." The customs agent looked from
Susan to her six noisy children and back to Susan. "Lady, go right through," he
invited. "If you have drugs in those bags, you need them." A shared
understanding and humorous comment made Susan's journey more bearable.
We all encounter things that are inconvenient, terrible, or even unbearable,
it seems. We change what we can, but sometimes we have to accept and cope with
unpleasant or awful circumstances. Humor can be a helpful coping tool.
Researchers have found that humor can significantly decrease anxiety.7
It can also reduce psychological problems and distress.8
When a daughter came in looking miserable after running an errand in the car,
her father asked what was wrong. The daughter began, "Well, the good news is
that I didn't hit the tree, or any people." She started to cry: "But the
neighbors are going to be mad that I ruined their fence." Dad could have become
angry but responded with humor instead. He said, "Who knows? They may like the
new gate in their fence, once we get our car out of it."
Two adult sisters were devastated when their mother, aged 53, died after a
long illness and hospitalization. But their aunt (their mother's sister), after
an especially bleak day of traveling and making funeral arrangements, began to
tell stories about their mother, and the sisters remembered funny and sweet
stories of their own. Soon they were all laughing and crying at the same time
and their loss became more endurable.
After Art E. Berg was thrown from a car during a rollover just five weeks
before his wedding date, his neck was broken and he was left a quadriplegic at
age 21. Although his body no longer serves him as it once did, Art is far from
being helpless and depressed. His life is full of service and activity. Among
the other things that got him through, Art says peace came from learning to
laugh again, particularly with his family. He writes, "I am not sure I would
have survived the emotional trauma of my injuries and the complications of my
new life if it hadn't been for the wit, chuckles, laughs, and good-natured humor
of my wife and family."9
Humor At Home
As humorous situations occur in our homes, we need to take a moment to notice
and enjoy and record them. Researchers who studied humor in families concluded:
 We found that high-strength families reported a large amount of
humor among family members, and low-strength families reported fewer incidences
of humor in their families. This suggests to us that it is important to use
humor in building family strengths.10
Keeping a family journal of humorous moments will keep us alert to the humor
in our lives and may become an important family tradition. Parents and children
can enjoy memories of a child's inevitable laughable moments. For example, one
mother made a note in the family humor journal when the daughter said, "I think
we should all make get-well cards for McKenzie. She's in the hospital because
her independence burst."
One family held meetings once a week where the parents and children could
work out any scheduling needs. Each one took a turn announcing play rehearsals,
soccer games, special projects, plans with friends, and so on. Dad announced
that he would have to leave town on business for a couple of days, for the
second week in a row. The family was astonished when 3-year-old Paul threw
himself to the floor and, waving his arms and legs, cried, "Oh, the horror! The
HORROR!" Dad chuckled (and thought he might limit his business travel) as he
made a record in the family humor journal later in the evening.
A family can enjoy reading humorous books, comic strips, and poetry aloud
together. Children's picture books, such as Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs11
and The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales,12
quickly become favorites, along with classic characters such as Mary Poppins,13
Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle,14
and Amelia Bedelia.15
Children's librarians at the public library and elementary school can recommend
additional stories as well as books of poetry. Many children (and adults) have
enjoyed Where the Sidewalk Ends,16
as well as No More Homework! No More Tests!17
and Never Take a Pig to Lunch.18
Many families have favorite films, such as The Emperor's New Groove (Disney,
2000), It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (United Artists, 1963), or What About
Bob? (Touchstone Pictures, 1991), among many others. Sharing these resources can
provide humor for the moment and become a source of family "in-jokes," or
"secrets," the mention of which can set the whole family laughing and strengthen
family ties.19
Families can share jokes and funny songs during long trips or an evening at
home. Appropriate jokes may be found in Highlights for Children, Reader's
Digest, and Boy's Life magazines. Children enjoy creating their own riddles,
original lyrics to well-known songs, and knock-knock jokes. There are,
apparently, millions of reasons for the chicken to cross the road and millions
of candidates for the honor of changing a light bulb. Funny tapes like the
Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Tape (HighBridge/Minnesota Public Radio,
1996-1999), and suitable, humorous monologues by Bill Cosby and others are
available at most libraries and stores.
Some of the best sources of humor at home are family tales. There are good
laughs to be had as parents and grandparents remember stories from their
childhoods. Children may see Grandpa and Grandma in a new light when they learn
that Grandpa sneaked away from a nearby army base just before shipping out to
fight in World War II to propose to Grandma. They'll also love the story of the
summer daywhen Grandmother was at work and Mom and Aunt Rose had a cookiedough
fight and a water fight (in the house) and all the trouble they were in when
Grandmother came home.
When parents help children notice, read, write, collect, and share humor in
their lives they are helping them keep a good perspective, relate with others,
and cope with problems. Sherwood claims that, at first glance, laughter and the
humor that inspires it may seem incompatible with the serious business of our
lives. After all, helping people learn and improve is serious business. Still,
as humor finds a place in our lives it can build bridges between family members
and encourage the flexibility and creativity that enable us to do our best
work.20
So go ahead and develop that sense of humor. It's important for a healthy
family and a happy home! Brad Wilcox, Ph.D., is an associate professor of
Teacher Education at Brigham Young University.
References
1 D. S. Sobel & R. Ornstein, The
Healthy Mind, Healthy Body Handbook (Los Altos, Ca.: DRX, 1996).
2 J. Morreall, Taking Laughter
Seriously (Albany: SUNY Press, 1983).
3 J. Wuerffel, J. DeFrain, and N.
Stinnett, "How Strong Families Use Humor," Family Perspective 24 (2) 129-141,
130 (1990).
4 Ibid.
5 John M. Gottman and Nan Silver,
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Crown Publishers Inc.,
1999).
6 Ibid.
7 G. Galloway and A. Cropley, "Benefits
of humor for mental health," Humor 12 (3) 301- 314, 303 (1999).
8 Ibid., 305.
9 A. E. Berg, Finding Peace in Troubled
Waters: 10 Life Preservers for When Your Ship Springs a Leak (Salt Lake City:
Deseret Book, 1995).
10 J. Wuerffel, et al., note 3, above,
at 135.
11 J. Barret, R. Barret (illus.),
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (New York: Aladdin Books, 1978).
12 J. Scieszcka and L. Smith (illus.),
The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales (New York: Scholastic,
1992).
13 E.g., P. L. Travers, Mary Poppins
(San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1985).
14 E.g., B. McDonald, Mrs.
Piggle-Wiggle (Philadelphia: Lippincott, 1957).
15 E.g., P. Parish and F. Siebel
(illus.), Amelia Bedelia (New York: Harper Trophy, 1992).
16 S. Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk
Ends (New York: HarperCollins, 1974).
17 B. Lansky, No More Homework! No More
Tests! Kids' Favorite Funny School Poems (New York: Scholastic, 1997).
18 N. B. Westcott, Never Take a Pig to
Lunch and Other Poems About the Fun of Eating (New York: Orchard Books,
1994).
19 J. Wuerffel, et al., note 3, above,
at 138.
20 S. Sherwood, "Humor and the serious
tutor." The Writing Center Journal 13(2) (Spring 1993).
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